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Unstoppable Forces – Finding Myself Again

#UnstoppableForcesToday, I did something I haven’t done in over a year. I slid my feet into running shoes, packed a small backpack, and went out for a run.

Such a simple thing. Me. Shoes padding quietly down the sidewalk. Music blasting in my ears. The subtle thump, thump, thump of my phone in the top pocket of the backpack.

I ran two miles. Not much. Not for someone who used to go out and run half marathons almost on a lark. However, those two miles were the culmination of an ultra—or so it seemed.

I’d avoided working out for a year. Some of that avoidance was necessary. Adderall, which I started taking on March 3, 2016, to treat my ADHD, raises your heart rate and blood pressure. Some people have a harder time with that side effect than others. My experience wasn’t all that bad. So why didn’t I go back to running?

Well, I can’t answer that fully. It’s personal, deeply painful, and private. The point isn’t the why, but the fact that I’m trying to see my way to the other side of something that could have destroyed me.

When I reached my destination, I cried. The simple experience of running, alone, without any expectations set a piece of my heart I thought long dead and buried beating again. When I got home, I danced around the house singing. When I chatted with an acquaintance a few hours later, I was still riding the joy of finding that piece of me—and she noticed.

As I write this, now approximately ten hours after my run, much of the pain has come back. Tonight will be hard. I’ll tell Wingnut how much I hurt, bury my nose in Abbie’s fur and tell her how much I wish I could go back and have the past two years of my life to live over again, and apologize to Binky for dripping tears onto his fur (though, to be fair, he drools on me often enough).

After that, though, I’ll read a book I’ve been wanting to read. I’ll write a little before bed. I’ll have a glass of wine, play a little Guild Wars 2, and watch a movie. More things that bring me joy.

I’ll remember that I’m an unstoppable force, and while pain, sadness, grief, and sorrow are all part of life, so are happiness, contentment, love, and joy. I’ll remember my run, and I’ll smile.

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